Parenting

Jun 26 2019

A Mother’s Love

Everything about Sara was uber. Uber smart. Uber talented. Uber needy. Uber physically strong. She was self-centered and had intense sensory needs. Our work together at The Thrive Group focused on seeing others and other perspectives, sharing her parent’s attention and satiating that intense sensory needs.

Join Sara’s mother as she shares the ups and downs of their mother-daughter relationship, the struggle of fully accepting a challenging child and ultimately, the pivotal role that love for a child plays.

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February 26, 2017

“Look up and tell me what you see.”

Sara looked at Daniel with a puzzled look and then looked up at the large high ceiling at the Evergreen shopping plaza. She looked at him squarely and responded, “I see a broken tile.”

I know that Sara is my soulmate as far as mothers and daughters go. I know that our souls are meant to be together. I know that she is the love of my life. I know that I am in awe of her strength and determination, her way of bringing joy into every situation, her way of lighting up a room simply by entering it, I know that I cannot stop staring at her and admiring her beauty while she is awake and through pictures while she is asleep…and I know that I am the luckiest mommy in the world because I have her as a daughter. I know that she pushes my buttons like nobody else can push them. I know that she makes me feel powerless and exhausted faster and quicker than anyone I have ever encountered. I know that her wit, stubbornness and high energy scare me. I also know that I admire her character, maturity and confidence. I do like her. I definitely love her.

But maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Maybe love is not the surge of passion or the steady flow of affection for a perfectly behaved easy calm China doll-looking child. Maybe it is the choice to commit, no matter what temptations arise and no matter what perfectly behaved easy calm China doll-looking children are around. Maybe making the choice to be committed as a more calm and centered mom to a child with extreme needs and feelings is what love is, rather than lust or steady comfort, which is never having to make the choice at all. Every mom loves her child, but does every mom love her child for her who child is and encourages the mom to become? Maybe the choosing is what makes a relationship strong. It is easy to envy others’ easy children and to wish that my daughter could be like them. Sometimes I wish that I could trade her positive qualities just so that her negative ones could be gone also, leaving us with an easy robot. It is easy to focus on the negatives and get lost in them. But I make the choice to love Sara for who she is, and I make the choice to be her mommy and not just a mother, and to be her top advocate, mentor and rock, and to make my love about the sum of my choices, the sum of my giving, the sum of my choosing, the sum of my efforts, the sum of my admiration, the sum of my heartache, the sum of my fear, the sum of my commitment to her.

I think that my going to accountant school will make me a better mom than I was when I was a full-time stay-at-home-mom, even though my life was literally all about Sara at that time. I think that I owe it to her and to myself to find my own direction in life, as far as professional happiness, achievements and relationships are concerned, in order to better myself in my bond with Sara. Love takes two; two to give, two to be happy, two to love. I am the mom here, so it is my job to be the adult and do my part and more. Sara wants my approval and my love, and she is endearing and makes it all look so easy. Maybe my choosing to love her amid the manipulation, lack of gratitude, regard for others’ feelings and blood-curdling screams will make my love for her stronger, as well as the newfound confidence I bring to our mother-daughter tango.

I’m jealous of the way Daniel stares at me. He looks at me with such intense love in his eyes. Every touch from Daniel is filled with so much love and gentleness. He is so loving and nurturing. He tells me that I am the most stunning girl that he has ever seen, the most beautiful in the world. He tells me that Sara got her beauty from me. He is so in love with me, even when I am exasperated and literally exhausted by Sara. It doesn’t seem like Daniel makes the choice to commit to me and love me; it seems like it comes naturally to him, yet it seems like there is no love in the world that is deeper and felt more than Daniel’s. I want to have this love for Sara.

I will see her current friends and I will meet her new friends as the years go by, G-D Willing, and I will get to know their personalities and their easier dispositions. I will surely have opportunities to be jealous and wish that Sara could just. Be. Easier. I will see how effortlessly her friends become so close with their mothers as they grow up and I will have even more reason to be jealous and attracted to a fantasy… what will happen then?

Is making the choice to commit to Sara enough? Is it enough to be floored by her G-D given beauty k”h? Is it enough to laugh out loud as I recall such memories as three-year-old Sara telling Daniel’s grandmother that she could spit her gum on the floor because it is biodegradable? Is it enough to marvel at her love for sophistication and fancy foods? How about her keen ability to hone in on the most minute negatives amid a sea of positivity? Nothing is ever enough for her…and I am spent. How many times more can I find the love and energy from the marrow of my bones to stay strong and teach her the right way? How do you teach gratitude and empathy? Her fireball personality scares me. I know that I am an amazing mother, thank G-D, yet Sara lack of gratitude and unfulfilled satiation still creep under my skin. And then I look at her picture and think of her immense beauty and light in my life. And I think…

Is being absolutely and painstakingly in-love with my daughter enough?

May 27 2019

Self-care for the Weary

Many of the parents in the THRIVE community have children in therapy. All children require a lot of attention and care, and all parents can get worn down and exhausted. Parents with children in therapy may feel there is not an ounce of time left in the day to pay attention to their own physical, emotional, or social needs. Thrive’s underlying statement is: the whole child, the whole family. We care about you too, Mom. We want you to be your healthiest self, Dad.

Self-care is defined as: “The practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” I am glad they call it practice! Let’s work on it together!

Here are simple ideas for parents who need self-care, but can’t imagine how they can practically make it happen:

Prioritizing:

When you make a to-do list, do you find that you are always at the bottom? Show yourself a little love, and move the things that are “you focused” up a few tiers on the to do list. If you always save you for last, you will likely run out of time and the cycle of exhaustion will be perpetuated. When you take care of your needs earlier on, you will be able to present your best self to your family throughout the day.

Alone time:

If you realize you need this, create it. Most likely it will not just magically occur, especially when you have young children, or a larger family. An idea to make this work is having a space that is designated to be your space. You might not have access to a room that can be solely yours. It might be a walk-in closet, or a comfy seat on the patio. Make sure your family knows that this is your space to spend a few minutes in when you need alone time. When you begin to feel overwhelmed, go to your space to think quietly, read a chapter of a book, listen to music, or call a friend.

Rest:

If you are anything like me, you power through the busy day, put the kids to bed, and then snuggle up for some much-needed rest and relaxation before winding down to sleep. (Ha! not quite!) More realistically, as soon as their little heads hit the pillow, I zoom around the house trying to accomplish everything that needs to be done while they are contained to their beds. Eventually I submit to the clocks persistent warnings that I am staying up way too late. When I set my alarm, I feel disappointed to see how many hours are left before the blaring bells yank me from my bed again.

It is not the best approach to rest and relaxation. I need a change. Do you? Reorganizing the day-time schedule will limit the amount that needs to be done after the kids go to bed. Depending on kids ages and abilities, enlist their help with an after-dinner chore. Do some of the chores together while listening to music and spending time as a family. What if once a week you chose to go to bed right after putting the kids to bed? Adding in extra sleep will provide for extra energy and alertness in your day. You will simply feel better.

Find quick little things that work for you:

I really like this blog post on simple self-care for extremely busy parents, and her advice to “Sprinkle at least 5 “mini” self-care sessions throughout your day.” She lists ideas like basking in the warm sun, letting your kids brush your hair, applying lotion or quick drying nail polish, slowly sipping tea or coffee and purposing to enjoy the flavor. Check it out, it’s a quick read!

The key to self-care is that it is very individualized. A walk might be very therapeutic for one person, but just be viewed as another task added into a busy day for another. Take the time to experiment. When you finish an activity and realize… “I feel quite a bit lighter”, or find the thought passing through your mind “that was nice…” those are the activities to add into your regular line-up.

We’d love if you’d share some self-care ideas that have worked for you below.

This post was written by Krista Caines, OTAS, a fieldwork student, currently studying at Jefferson University to become an occupational therapy assistant. She spent eight weeks shadowing at The Thrive Group.

Mar 24 2019

A Positive Approach for Positive Growth Part 2

Part 1 of the Positive Approach for Positive Growth Series discusses what the Nurtured Hearth Approach is and how it can transform the life of your family by positively fostering complimentary skills within your child(ren).

Part 2 goes deeper into this method. You’ll learn the practical how to of getting the most out of this technique and understand how easy it can be to recognize and notice the positive actions of your child regardless of how hectic your day may be.

Did you miss Part 1 of this series?

Check it out here and you will be armed with the skills and tools to upgrade your child’s behavior in a positive and stress-free way.

Feb 13 2019

Fostering Friendliness Between Siblings

You’ve heard it said, “Siblings are your very first friends.” That saying is very much true, but often the direct opposite is true as well: “Siblings are your very first enemies.” It’s healthy and natural to notice both ends of these social scenarios in your home environment. However, when the battles form quicker than the friendships, parental intervention may be necessary. If you find your children butting heads a lot more than they are getting along, you may want to try this simple way to foster friendship between siblings.

The Kindness Jar

Recently, while we were out grocery shopping, my youngest saw a large glass jar of hard candies. Her eyes rounded, and she asked me if we could get the colorful red purple and green candies.

We stay away from food dye in my home, and as I read the ingredients (pleasantly surprised that the candles were dyed from natural sources!) an idea struck. Perhaps I could use these candies to encourage friendliness between my three little ones, who I had noticing behaving in an unusually negative manner.

As I started explaining my idea to the children, I realized I actually had each of their full and undivided attention! With six eyes all focused on me, (and the candy!), I explained that they could earn these special candies by doing acts of friendliness towards their fellow siblings – and that anytime a parent or grandparent saw them being extra kind or helpful to their sibling, they would be allowed to choose a candy from the jar! Needless to say, they were all on board.

Now, I know this sounds a little bit like bribery, but I truly believe that such a system helps to establish an increasingly positive environment and teach my kids that kindness is noticed. If you think about it, you probably have a system already in place for negative behaviors, involving a consequence of some sort. But children need to have those positive behaviors reinforced and noticed, as well. For another great idea on a rewards system focused on connection, check out the ticket system that Mrs. Skolnik, (a parent here at The Thrive Group), recommends.

Just yesterday, my eleven-year-old just walked up to my six-year-old and said, “Do you need help putting away your stuffed animals?” ALL. ON. HIS. OWN.

It’s working here!

Are there personalities in your home that tend to clash? What do you find helpful in reinforcing positive interactions between your children? And how do you let them know that you appreciate those friendly moments?

Jan 28 2019

Rewards Focused on Connection

Would you like to find a reward system that really works? We found a technique that effectively serves as a reinforcement of connection, helps the child feel successful, and brings positive behavior into the spotlight.

Today, I had the wonderful opportunity of learning about the reward system that Mrs. Skolnik implements in her home with her five-year-old twins. Mrs. Skolnik is a mother of three, who brings her children to the Thrive Group. She graciously allowed me to share the technique that she has been using daily for the past six months. She first formulated the idea while reading the book Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser. She started using a ticket system in her home to reward the small positive things that her children did throughout the day. This required her to be mindful of the small positives in her children’s behavior and choices. Mrs. Skolnik noted that saying something like “Wow, you had a tantrum but didn’t throw any toys or furniture. You earned 5 tickets,” was an easy way to reinforce the positive, even after a difficult moment. Helping a sibling, or talking nicely to a parent could earn tickets, as well as doing chores or cleaning up after playing with toys. She expressed the importance of noticing the little things, and the consistent use of tickets to encourage positive behaviors throughout the day.

At the end of the day, Mrs. Skolnik tells each child how many tickets they earned that day, and allows them to choose a prize from a corresponding prize box. The child may chooses a prize from a 5-ticket box, a 10-ticket box etc. depending on the amount of tickets he / she accumulated. The toys are small, (stickers, light up bouncy balls), and yet there is so much excitement about the tickets and prizes. Indeed, the real reward is the connection that is being crafted at home.

Mrs. Skolnik stressed that it’s important to remember that tickets are strictly about noticing the positives. Tickets should not be taken away as a means of punishment for undesired behavior. The reason this technique works is because it requires constant communication and attention to the small things. This system effectively allows the child to say: I am noticed. I matter. I can make some really good choices. And I can enjoy the results.

In the words of Mrs. Skolnik, “Even if you have a really bad day, you can still create love.”