Would you like to find a reward system that really works? We found a technique that effectively serves as a reinforcement of connection, helps the child feel successful, and brings positive behavior into the spotlight.
Today, I had the wonderful opportunity of learning about the reward system that Mrs. Skolnik implements in her home with her five-year-old twins. Mrs. Skolnik is a mother of three, who brings her children to the Thrive Group. She graciously allowed me to share the technique that she has been using daily for the past six months. She first formulated the idea while reading the book Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser. She started using a ticket system in her home to reward the small positive things that her children did throughout the day. This required her to be mindful of the small positives in her children’s behavior and choices. Mrs. Skolnik noted that saying something like “Wow, you had a tantrum but didn’t throw any toys or furniture. You earned 5 tickets,” was an easy way to reinforce the positive, even after a difficult moment. Helping a sibling, or talking nicely to a parent could earn tickets, as well as doing chores or cleaning up after playing with toys. She expressed the importance of noticing the little things, and the consistent use of tickets to encourage positive behaviors throughout the day.
At the end of the day, Mrs. Skolnik tells each child how many tickets they earned that day, and allows them to choose a prize from a corresponding prize box. The child may chooses a prize from a 5-ticket box, a 10-ticket box etc. depending on the amount of tickets he / she accumulated. The toys are small, (stickers, light up bouncy balls), and yet there is so much excitement about the tickets and prizes. Indeed, the real reward is the connection that is being crafted at home.
Mrs. Skolnik stressed that it’s important to remember that tickets are strictly about noticing the positives. Tickets should not be taken away as a means of punishment for undesired behavior. The reason this technique works is because it requires constant communication and attention to the small things. This system effectively allows the child to say: I am noticed. I matter. I can make some really good choices. And I can enjoy the results.
In the words of Mrs. Skolnik, “Even if you have a really bad day, you can still create love.”
This post was written by Krista Caines, OTAS, a fieldwork student, currently studying at Jefferson University to become an occupational therapy assistant. She spent eight weeks shadowing at The Thrive Group.
I *LOVE* this post! Thank you so much for sharing. I look forward to implementing this at home with my 3 kiddos. 😀
Thanks for posting ! Hope to hear about how it worked for you.
Thanks for this post! I’ve just finished reading The Kazdin Method for Parenting The Defiant Child which was a great read but i found his method of using a chart system a little too daunting for a busy mum like me. This ticket system (though pretty similar) sounds more manageable and i think is a very tangible, instant reward system for young kids. I’m going to give it a try but would add one thing – why not fill the boxes with experiential rewards like “a 5 minute game with mummy” or “reading a book together” or for the larger token rewards “a trip to the grocery together”.
Great idea, Yenti! Thanks for sharing it.
Feel free to share the post 🙂
This is so real and practical. I plan to implement a modified version of this with my 9 and 14year olds ASAP!
I’m curious how that works out! When you’ve tried it for a bit, please let us know how it goes. I’m sure many others will gain from your “post” share 🙂
It is wonderful for us to learn to acknowledge the positive, even positive things that seem to be small.
It seems like children who learn from the positive reinforcement of physical gifts, will have a different view of life than I prefer to teach. My preference is to teach spiritual goals.
For example, feedback was given to you (above) that an occupational therapist dealt with a child with love, with warmth, and with believing in the child’s abilities. My preference is that we will learn from this occupational therapist, and not learn from a reward-system.
Perhaps a parent would like to give tickets privately to himself. He notices and acknowledges something positive about his child, and puts a ticket into his pocket. At the end of the day, he can be reminded by the contents of his pocket: his children did a lot of positive things that day!
Love your idea! Thank you for sharing it!
So exciting to see the Nurtured Heart Approach being shared as a resource for Thrive parents. Clearly, you are dedicated to giving parents any tools that can help them and their families “Thrive” 😉. I’ve been training parents, teachers, and therapists in the Nurtured Heart Approach for the past few years. The success stories come in daily! We all know that with an intense child, waiting to catch them being good, we may be waiting a VERY long time. Mrs Skolnick describes success in her relentless quest to notice and verbalize what her children do right. She is consistently commenting on successful moments, including when the rules are not being broken. The Nurtured Heart Approach includes this tool as well as others that are used in sync to help transform intense behaviors. We transform their behaviors by shifting our energy. Our connection and energy IS the prize! Each comment that she makes shows the child that they are seen and noticed, even during a neutral moment. This way, the child gets the parent’s connection and energy anytime, except when they have broken a rule. It’s exciting to see this article and thread, as this approach is transformative!
Yael Walfish, LCSW
Inspiring Greatness
One of my clients just took your Nurtured Heart Approach course and were so happy to have learned it from you!
Thanks for commenting!
I finally found time to follow up on this post. Mrs. Skolnik is on the right track but the ticket idea can be more thoughtfully implemented. The great reward is Connection. It’s an intrinsic reward, the most powerful kind. Mixing extrinsic rewards into it is warping the experience as Z M and Yael Walfish point out. Yenti Friedman excellent experiential suggestions are in line with Howard Glasser’s ideas of rewards – more Connection opportunities. The kids collect and save their tickets to be redeemed for ‘real’ rewards. Real rewards don’t usually cost money. Also they could save up for things you were thinking to get them anyway, like something real they could use on yomtov. Glasser’s policy is that except for the basic needs of food clothing and shelter, everything else is considered a ‘gift’ so that opens up lots of opportunities of things you were going to buy them anyways. (You’re generous in two ways – by bountiful positive daily input, and by anything you get them beyond life’s essentials.)
Thanks for adding to this post with a great thought!
I’ve loved reading everyone’s thoughts on the ticket reward program. Everyone built on the previous thought and a beautifully polished piece can be shared by all.
I would simply add another thought that works for older kids. This was implemented by my oldest (14) and my next two (12, 10) joined right in!
When they get their good night kiss, they’ll ask me, simply, “Mommy, how was I today?” Although they’ve gotten feedback throughout the day, as life was happening, pulling it all together at night helps them monitor themselves in a general, end-of-day, reflective state. We’ll do a quick recall, pointing out incidents and I’ll mention what I loved about them as well as other incidents that had been lost opportunities, or ended not so nicely. We end on a positive, loving note, yet with the awareness of what should be improved on. Most days, it’s basically positive- however, the idea is that over time, the kids learn that I’ll be honest (the trust develops factor is important here as they’re growing older and forming their own beautiful identities), they learn to reflect on and monitor their behaviors and set attainable goals for themselves, and they learn that they’re always loved, no matter what!
I appreciate hearing about the balance between your ability to feel and show your kids love and acceptance and at the same time, balancing it with the knowing that we are growth oriented human beings. Thank you for sharing that!